“Father in Heaven,
Please help me not to feel this way.
One of my own started it.
It was wrong in 2010 and even worse in 2011.
That betrayal was instantly evident.
Then their privileged colleague colluded in it.
Followed by a privileged judge, stenographer, bailiff, prosecutor, and an all privileged jury, all of whom put the nail in it.
As I sat in that jail cell for 43 days for something I didn’t do, I lost all of my faith in their ‘justice.’
I sat there thinking about how these two persons, True Blues entrusted with the trust of mostly unsuspecting citizens, perjured themselves three times just to save their own skin.
A perjury that now has me banned from my alma mater.
A perjury that without question warrants an apology.
Unfortunately an apology that may never be.
Now, everytime I see their Blue uniform, I see red blood.
Even when I don’t know the person in the uniform, I get angry.
Even when they’re saying something positive, all of which I can think is that they’re lying.
They encourage the public to ‘snitch’ on each other, yet all of which I can think is that they probably have dirt on their colleague, but won’t tell it to their superiors because of their ‘No Snitchin” code.
That hypocrisy makes me mistrust them even more, even if I don’t know he/she who wears the uniform in front of me.
I don’t want to hate them, but I do.
I’m angry about what they did to me.
I’m hurt by how they betrayed me.
I’m angry about what they did to my son as a result of their injustice toward me.
And yet, all I want is for them to stop hurting others.
But alas I cannot yet find it in me to believe that they will.
I cannot yet find it in me to believe that they even wish to.
I cannot yet find it in me to trust again.
All because ‘it’ has not changed; ‘that’ which they protect instead of ‘who’ they’re supposed to serve.
Will I ever get past what is in my head and heart?
Do I even know if I wish to do so?
Will doing so make me vulnerable again to disappointment and heartache?
At this moment, I’m not willing to risk it.
Because they have given me every reason to mistrust.
And that is what makes them more dangerous than the weapons they carry.
Please help me, Lord.
I feel lost…helpless…betrayed…and abandoned by justice.
And it has hardened me in the worst way.
So that one day, I can once again feel as though my people can walk the streets without fear of harm due to the pigment of their outer shells.
This I humbly and pleadingly pray,